Comments on: Red Wine and Proper Diet http://healthlifeandstuff.com/2009/07/red-wine-and-proper-diet/ We explain complex medical stuff Fri, 10 Feb 2012 15:20:36 +0000 hourly 1 By: Jane http://healthlifeandstuff.com/2009/07/red-wine-and-proper-diet/comment-page-1/#comment-119 Jane Thu, 13 Aug 2009 19:34:17 +0000 http://healthlifeandstuff.com/?p=379#comment-119 I see that you did write a little on depression. I just think that if you're going to write about red wine, that you should stick to that because the focus of the post is getting lost and this requires the reader to work harder to follow where you're going. For example, if you're saying that 1 out of 4 Americans has some mental disorder but you're only discussing the role that increasing folic acid, B12 and magnesium MAY play in the treatment of depression, you're leaving yourself wide open to being questioned for the science of your writing. I say - stick to a small area of focus, say red wine and heart disease - that you can write about with more authority. I see that you did write a little on depression. I just think that if you’re going to write about red wine, that you should stick to that because the focus of the post is getting lost and this requires the reader to work harder to follow where you’re going. For example, if you’re saying that 1 out of 4 Americans has some mental disorder but you’re only discussing the role that increasing folic acid, B12 and magnesium MAY play in the treatment of depression, you’re leaving yourself wide open to being questioned for the science of your writing. I say – stick to a small area of focus, say red wine and heart disease – that you can write about with more authority.

]]> By: Jane http://healthlifeandstuff.com/2009/07/red-wine-and-proper-diet/comment-page-1/#comment-118 Jane Thu, 13 Aug 2009 19:26:22 +0000 http://healthlifeandstuff.com/?p=379#comment-118 I see what you're ultimately getting at here in this blog but I want to comment primarily on the writing, not the science. Sentence #1 is about our health, both physical and mental. Sentence #3 (your 3rd paragraph) is about the high incidence of mental illness among Americans - though you avoid defining mental disorder. Everything after that is strictly about wine and heart disease, except for the last sentence where you introduce an off-the-topic mention of wine and sexuality. I think this post needs to be rewritten so that it focuses, right from the start, and ends, on what your topic is, which is heart disease and diet, specifically wine. I may be jumping too far but new writers tend to bite off more than they can chew, in particular in introducing their topic and concluding the piece. I see what you’re ultimately getting at here in this blog but I want to comment primarily on the writing, not the science.

Sentence #1 is about our health, both physical and mental. Sentence #3 (your 3rd paragraph) is about the high incidence of mental illness among Americans – though you avoid defining mental disorder. Everything after that is strictly about wine and heart disease, except for the last sentence where you introduce an off-the-topic mention of wine and sexuality. I think this post needs to be rewritten so that it focuses, right from the start, and ends, on what your topic is, which is heart disease and diet, specifically wine.

I may be jumping too far but new writers tend to bite off more than they can chew, in particular in introducing their topic and concluding the piece.

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